It’s not black or white: I’m stuck in the gray (Findings, part IV)

In the years immediately following my brain injury, I struggled to reconcile my identity as a young, popular, and able ice skater with my new role as a helpless, rejected, and lost 11-year-old. It was in this liminal space that I wandered for a long time, and Richard now finds himself there too.

The space isn’t clear or straightforward; it’s neither black nor white; it’s not made up of the people we used to be, nor is it made up of society’s perceptions of what brain injury survivors should look like. Rather, the space is an identity all its own. It is gray, changing, and undefined.

As my interview with Richard continues, our conversation strays from the questions I had prepared in advance to ask him. We speak less formally and more like old friends swapping battle stories of coming to terms with what we’ve experienced. He shares intimate details with his struggle to “find himself once more” at his advancing age, and I’m amazed at his strength to rehabilitate not only his body, but also his identity at this point in life. The journey to reconciliation seems to be ongoing.

Richard describes rectifying the “old” and “new” versions of himself as “an uphill battle [he‟s] still climbing.”
I relate to this unsettled feeling of being stuck between two worlds, but I cannot help but wonder if the ordeal is even more challenging at his age, when he is no longer his young self, yet still unsure of what identity he is to assume in the future. I reflect again on the past-present dissection in his language: his “old” and “new” selves, the “battle” he hopes to win.

Why do we always use “war” language anyway? Are we battling ourselves or someone else?

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